Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I'm Pregnant!

Yes, you read that right! I am pregnant again. How the hell did this happen? I mean after all I did not go to the Dr put my feet up in stirrups and have him manually inject embryos into my uterus. That is the only way we have ever gotten pregnant before, so for the life of me I can’t figure out how we got here.
I once read that people get pregnant from sex, but quickly dismissed that theory because Mike and I tried that. I only ever got pregnant after being hopped up on hormones and having a needle shoved up my lady bits.
No matter how it happened, the fact of the matter is that I AM PREGNANT AGAIN!
I wish I could sit here and tell you all that I want to scream this from the roof tops and dance around my living room with elation like I have both times in the past. However this time, I am TERRIFIED!
I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old right now. I’m exhausted all the time because Holden doesn’t sleep yet. I’m still fat and feeling gross from the baby I had only 4 MONTHS AGO! I am NOT ready to go through another high risk pregnancy again.  I have difficult pregnancies. How am I supposed to take it easy and do modified bedrest starting at about 24 weeks if I have a 8 month old (AND a 3 year old!) IMPOSSIBLE!
Holden and the new baby will be about (if not less) than a year apart! OMG! Just take a minute and think about life with a 3.5 year old, 1 year old, and NEWBORN!
I know all of that will be fine eventually. I know once the baby gets here I will figure everything out, but you can’t blame me for being terrified about it now.
I’m happy(ish) I am  just really overwhelmed by the whole idea of having another baby so soon.
Mike on the other hand is THRILLED! He keeps laughing and smiling, it’s almost making me feel bad. He is right, we are married,  financially stable, and even have the extra space. It’s not like we as a family won’t be able to handle this…my fear is that I won’t be able to handle this with my sanity still intact.  
Another thing that I am afraid of is NOT HAVING THE BABY! Let’s face the facts, Mike and I have been pregnant 4 times naturally over the years, each and everyone ended in a relatively early (before 8 weeks) miscarriage. While I am NOT doing back flips about being pregnant right now, I sure as hell DON’T want to go through another miscarriage.  This another reason why I can’t seem to get excited about having another baby. Right now, even though I am pregnant, it is just a possibility that we will end up with a baby in the end.
For this reason, we are not quite ready to tell everyone IRL, and most of our friends and family read my main blog. I didn’t want to NOT blog about this new pregnancy for a full 12 weeks so I decided to start this private blog, invite the few of you who know, and then eventually import the posts into the other blog when the cat is out of the bag.
I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow Thurs March 8 at 2 pm. I’m not expecting much since I THINK I am only about 5w2d. However it will give us a much better idea of a due date. Wow, I can’t believe I am pregnant and don’t know how far along I am. This will definitely be a new experience for us.

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