I have been in bit of a blogging rut recently. Until today I felt like every post should be something special or something important. I lost track of the little things. Nothing happens in my life right now and I mean that in the best possible way. My life is so everyday simple these days that I have nothing to write about. I'll take that though. While it means that nothing great has happened recently, it also means that nothing bad has happened either. I was at a loss for words so I decided to let chance give me some inspiration tonight.
I have written 246 blog posts over the last 2+ years. A few of which have never, and will never, been seen.
I decided to chose a post using Random.org and to allow that post to be my inspiration for THIS post. Little did I know what I was getting myself into.
Random.org picked post:
I ran to my archive and started trying to find which post was number 97, only to stop dead in my tracks when I read the title.
I welled up in tears, both happy and sad, just reading it. That was the post in which I became a Mom.
That was the moment.
That was the moment.
For those of you who were not followers of my blog back in August of 2008. Let me give you a little review.
June 10 2008: Began IVF.
July 4 2008: Found out we were pregnant.
July 24 2008: It's twins!
August 26 2008: We lost one of the twins.
August 26 2008: I became a Mom when I wrote The Pity Party is Over.
I can not even begin to explain to you how much the Pity Party post meant/means to me. I can still remember it as if it was yesterday. Laying on the ultrasound table watching as the tech stopped only 10 seconds after starting then scrambling to find the pictures from my ultrasound only 2 weeks earlier. I remember looking over at Mike. He was so innocent and eager to see his CHILDREN.
I remember saying to him, "This isn't good". He just shrugged me off. The ultrasound tech came back and showed us our perfect little baby. She pointed out all of his or her tiny little parts. It actually looked like a baby and not just a gummy bear this time, yet
I STILL KNEW!
She stopped for a few seconds, a few silent seconds, and I said, "Where is the other baby?
I don't remember anything after I said that.
All I remember is looking over at Mike as he stared at her, hanging on her every word. I remember his reaction, his tears. I remember trying to be the strong one.
I do remember the tech immediately going back to Baby A, reminding us that we still had one healthy baby. With tears in my eyes, I saw him kicking and punching. Mike was still a little too overwhelmed with the loss of Baby B to focus on the screen. I can distinctly still remember how his hand felt when I grabbed him and said "Look, it's kicking and moving."
It was a real baby. I was really finally pregnant...with a baby. I am sure it was out of pity that the ultrasound tech decided to make a guess on the gender of our baby.
I don't remember leaving the Dr's office that day and I don't remember the drive home. I do remember laying in bed with Mike, who thankfully took the rest of the day off work. At some point during the day, we fell asleep for about two hours. I woke up a new woman. I woke up a Mom! That is when I wrote The Pity Party is Over post.
I found peace and no longer cared that I wasn't having twins. I don't know where it came from...wait, strike that...it came from all of my Mom's prayers I'm sure. It was ok that we lost one of the babies, all was not lost. I still had someone depending on me.
I was still pregnant.
Revisiting that post really helped me. It reminded me that I am lucky. Yes, I lost one baby but even out of loss you can still find great reward. It didn't make me feel sad, even though it made me cry. In a way it actually made me happy. The Pity Party is Over post was all about my acceptance of the situation. A situation I could not control. 6 months after that "situation", I gave birth to the only thing in my life that really matters. I gave birth to London, who by the way is very much a boy, not girl!
On August 26, 2008 I became a Mom months before my child was born. I did something that would eventually become so natural, I put myself aside to do something for my child. I didn't want my pregnancy to become that of grief or regret. I wanted to celebrate it for what it really was
There are no word to describe how much this post has helped me. Many of you may remember that I was petrified of having twins from our upcoming IVF cycle. Writing this post and reading the other has really helped me put things in perspective. Just because it isn't YOUR plan doesn't mean it's not A plan. I will be ecstatic if we can hit the jackpot again and IVF #2 happens to be successful. One baby, two babies, or six....ok hopefully not six... I am sure I will NEVER regret it. Come what may,
Bring On The Babies!!