Sunday, September 19, 2010

Default Parent

When I was pregnant with London I had this fairytale idea of what parenting would be like. I of course knew that Mike was going to a a great father and he is. I have very little to complain about in that department. However there is always that one little complaint and this is mine.

 I feel like I am London's default parent. Meaning that when he needs anything the responsibility automatically default to me. When London needs a sippy cup or lunch or a diaper changed, the duties always default to ME!

Do any other Moms out there feel this way?

For example, today London was walking around the house playing. I was sitting on the couch writing a grocery list and Mike was watching football. London came up to me (of course) and asked me for some "suess" which I quickly translated into juice.

I looked over at Mike and said "can you find his sippy cup for him?"
To which Mike replied, "Where is it?"
To which I replied (slightly annoyed this time) "I don't know, hence why I asked you to FIND it"
Well in true Mike fashion he said, "He's fine he doesn't need it right now"

So guess what happens at that point? The duty of finding London's sippy cup is then defaulted to ME! I can't just ignore my thirsty little man. He's not fine, he asked for his SUESS!!

Another example, Mike and I are both sitting side by side on the couch. We hear London wake up from his nap. Mike doesn't move and just assumes I will go upstairs and get him. I decided that I would wait a few minutes and see if Mike would actually ever get up to get him. So finally after about 3 minutes Mike looks over at me and says "Are you gonna go get him?" 

Really Mike, REALLY!?!?! You do know that as his father you are allowed to go get him out of his bed anytime you would like right? Unfortunately I didn't actually say that to him. I only thought it. 

Don't get me wrong, Mike is very helpful when I ask him to do something. I just wish that for once I wouldn't HAVE to ask him for help. I wish he would take on some of the everyday responsibilities when he is home. I get it, he works hard, he really does. He deserves some down time when he is home, but so do I! I often wonder if I would still be the default parent if I worked out of the home? I'm a stay at home mom and my JOB is to take care of London. But I really would like to occasionally be at home AND off duty. I don't want to have to leave the house just to feel like I have clocked out for the day.

Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe I'm a Mom now and this is just the way it is. Please don't think I am complaining about taking care of my lil man. I love that little boy more than anything. I choose to be a stay at home mom so I can spend as much time with him as possible. I really just wish that on the weekends I could sit back and enjoy the family more while doing less of the actual work.


This American Wife said...

I feel exactly the same way. We have actually been in exact same situation with getting the baby out of bed. It really bothers me sometimes and I haven't been able to express it in a way that doesn't make D feel like he's being attacked. I might have him read this post as it expresses how I feel a lot of the time!

Sara said...

It's not just you. I've found that there are a couple of steep learning curves when you become a parent. First, learning how to live with a child in the house. Second, your new duties and roles as mother/father. I have found that 90% of the parenting falls on me. And since I am staying home, it should, for the most part. But when husband is home he does a lot without my asking NOW only because I've put up s stink about it.

I was frustrated as hell Friday and said,"When does my day end? When does the work day end and I get to go to a place of relaxation. I'm on call 24 hours a day and generally I have to work 'round the clock. I need a few hours to myself where no one talks to me or asks me to do anything"

APM said...

You are not alone! Tony does the same thing! So the whole idea of working outside of the home means hubbys share more responsibility is not the case! Tony and I have had this discussion a few times and we have reached the conclusion that I hav to "tell" him what to do. Down to take the trash out, or whatever. He has also brought to my attention that I am a control freak. So him offering to put the groceries away or fold the laundry end up being a no go. So what we have done is give times that the house and Bug are his responsibility. After which I go behind him and clean up the house, put the dishes where they really belong and refold the towels! But a bubble bath is worth it!! Good Luck

Les said...

So. True.

It really bugs me sometimes...until she needs love and emotional support. It warms my heart that she always comes to me to fulfill those needs and I realize its worth it.

But yeah. Do you ever wonder what actually goes on when you leave London with Mike? On second thought, maybe its better that we don't know :-)

Unknown said...

I'm not a parent, but it goes that way for a lot of things. I definitely see this happening with Aaron and I haha. I'm the one to pick up the phone and get something done unless I ask him (aka hound him). I'll see if I can train him out of that before we have kids :P

Kakunaa said...

LOL I feel that way about my hubby now and no kid yet. But now that I am pregnant, he is stepping up big time...maybe it's just a guy thing??? HUGS.

Kat said...

We don't have kids yet, but we have puppies and I swear my husband is the EXACT SAME WAY! If I look over and the dogs are by the door - a definitive tell from them that they need to go out - Jon doesn't notice. Then I will ask (at this point already annoyed), could you let the dogs out? He'll look over and say, "They're fine. They don't need to go out." So I get up. If the dogs need a walk, he will NEVER take them. If one of the dogs throws up in the middle of the night, he doesn't even wake up or else just peeks and pretends to go back to bed. I love him dearly and he's great at most things, but why does everything default to me? We're pregnant with our first baby and I'm hoping this isn't the case with her but somehow history tells me it will be.

Anonymous said...

We don't have kids yet but I do see it happen with our friends. Mom = default parent. This is something I hope to nip in the bud with DH.

I have commented to him before at times saying "You know, Joe should have taken care of that instead of asking Sally" or "Don't you think John is assuming Jane will deal with it instead?"

I'm HOPING that will translate into him realizing that it's not a one man show.

Mrs. B said...

UGH! I feel like this OFTEN! For instance I had to ASK Aaron to give Hannah a bath last night....that just irritates me because no one ASKS me to bathe her....if they had to the kid would've had like one bath her whole life! It's your child, and your responsibility to bathe/diaper/feed them when they need it! I think it's just because men are clueless.....

Suzy said...

Yep. I'm the default. Even when Lou goes to do something for him, there are a thousand questions "should I xxx" or "where is the xxx" and I get fed up and just say "oh forget it, I'll do it!"

Unknown said...

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