The What If Game

What if? I am sure I could say that about 50 times a day. What if I didn't stay up so late last night? What if I married my high school sweetheart instead of Mike? What if I didn't buy those ridiculously cute shoes sitting in my closet and instead invested the money? What if? What if? WHAT IF?

What if I was not infertile? 

How would my life be different? How would FERTILITY have affected my life?

Now let's just take a step back and analyze MY life with infertility. Mike and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years before we decided to do IVF. We had 3 miscarriages, 7 failed Clomid cycles, 1 Femara cycle, 4 injectible cycles, and 3 failed IUI's. I do not claim to be the most infertile woman around, but that does not make our journey any easier. I quit my job, among other things, because of infertility. There were just to many appointments for me to keep a full time job. I devoted my life to trying to have a baby. I lived my life in two week increments. I was either waiting to ovulate or waiting to know if I was pregnant. I was always WAITING. I am sure this is an "Oh to familiar story" for all of my infertile readers though. I am sure you have all been-there-done-that.

What if that very first baby had stuck? What if I had a 4 year old today? Where would my life be?

The fact of the matter is that you can't always live in the What if's. I would probably be finishing my family right now with baby number 3 or 4. I would be joking with all of my friends and family about how Mike and I get pregnant if we even bump into each other in the hallway. I would be ignorant and would probably accidentally tell a friend that she would get pregnant if she would "just relax." I would still love my kids don't get me wrong, but would I really appreciate them for the miracle that they really were? I am not totally sure that I would.

Let's abandon the What If's for a minute and revisit the What Is....

I have the most adorable little boy, that I never would have met with out infertility.
I appreciate that little boy more because I remember the blood, sweat, and tear that went into getting him here.
I am a much more kind, compassionate, and understanding person than I ever would have been without infertility.

I am a better person because of infertility. 

This is easy for me to say now that I can stare into my little boys eyes. However while I was in the middle of my infertility journey, it never seemed like a blessing to be infertile. Now that we are going through all of this again, it still doesn't seem like a blessing. Having a baby does NOT cure infertility. It does NOT make it all better, but it  has at least made me more gracious for what I have.

When I am done having my family after (God willing) another 2-3 kids, I will finally be able to look at infertility for what it really is. In the words of the great Adrian Monk,

"It's a Blessing and a Curse." 

As for today, it will continue to be my curse. I am excited about the day where I don't think about our fertility. I am excited about the day where I can just sit around and enjoy what we have been given. Mainly...

I am just looking forward to looking back.