Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Infertility...The Addiction.

Is it wrong to think of infertility as an addiction?

The definition of addiction is:

  • being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming (especially alcohol or narcotic drugs)
  • an abnormally strong craving
I have no real psychological dependency on Infertility, but you have no idea how physically habit-forming it can become.

Lets take a look into this theory. 

Everyone, even Michelle Duggar, has a CD1. We all have to start somewhere, right?. Unfortunately for myself and about 80% of the people who read my blog, we have multiple CD1's. Way, way, WAY too many CD1's. If it was up to me,  I would much rather be pregnant. I would much rather welcome a new life growing in my womb. . Instead....I have become "abnormally tolerant" to infertility and disappointment. One. Single. Line. is all I usually get. I would, and have, paid big bucks just to see two lines. What I wouldn't give to have hope again. Just to be back at that first cycle, where there was no pressure, no expectations, no addiction, no infertility.

Every month I feel the need, not a "want" but a "NEED", to pee on anything even resembling a pregnancy test. I can't help it! It's an addiction not just to pregnancy tests but rather to the actual monthly ritual of trying to get pregnant. You know ...counting the days until ovulation, then "getting it on" during ovulation (but definitely not TOO often), then counting down the days until you can test...etc. Every month it's the same challenge, and usually the same results. I have had success from IVF in the past, I know I'm one of the lucky ones, yet I still have an "abnormally strong craving" each and every month. 

Why do I think that every month will be different? I have no clue. Why do I even bother after all this time to even buy pregnancy tests? Maybe, I enjoy literally pissing my money away? Your guess is as good as mine.  Every month I have hope though. I hope that two lines will magically appear on that stick. And every month I am disappointed when they don't. 

Infertility, I don't want to be addicted to you. I thought having London would "set me free" but "something always bring me back you, it never takes too long". 

Fact: I was lucky enough to beat infertility once. ONCE! So I'm going to offer a tiny morsel of hope to all of my primary infertile ladies...It gets easier. When I was in the throws of infertility, I had several moments of wondering what was the point. How would I ever be happy if trying to conceive was just going to be a way of life for the next, oh...10 years? Please let me be the one to say that having a baby definitely doesn't solve things, you will always have an "addiction" to infertility, but it does help in the short term. 2.5 years ago, I was a mess, a total WRECK!!!! I had a obsession with all things infertility and trying to have a baby. Blogs, discussion boards, chat name it and I was in the mix. Clomid, Follistim, and IUI, I was there once. ONCE!!! Now I have a little man who I can't imagine my life without. Am I fixed? Nope. I'm greedy and still want more. I still pray at least once a month that CD1 won't find me. I still have every finger crossed that IVF #2 is not in my future. I dream of the day when I can finally retire the title Infertility Overachievers. Until then...."The one thing that I still know is that your keeping me DOWN". 

This is from So You Think You Can Dance. It spoke to me tonight. The guy is supposed to be the "addiction", and in our case Infertility. Tell me you have not felt like this girl at least once. 
P.S. I LURVE this song. See the quotes above for proof!

Sara Bareilles: Gravity
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long


jenicini said...

I've only had E for thirty plus days and I already see myself being greedy and wanting another!

Kakunaa said...

I never thought about it like that, but you may have quite the point bears thought. HUGS.

Ashley said...

I think it's both an addiction and a disease that you can't escape from no matter how you got it. It's always nice to be reminded though that people to triumph and get their positive result.. just not necessarily how they hoped they would.

Jody said...

It is so reassuring to hear someone else having the same emotions! I look at my son and feel so blessed, but at the same time my heart aches continually for another baby (actually three more, to be exact). And then I feel guilty because there are other IF's out there who are still trying for their first baby. Shouldn't I be satisfied that I beat the odds and have my son? The answer is no. I thank God each and every day for my miracle baby, but I also know that my desire to be a mom of many children is a God-given desire. I did a similar post awhile back:

Anyway, all this to say that I understand what you are saying. The IF world can, in some sense, become an addiction. Since my son was born I haven't been back on BCP because I was hoping we would finally get our surprise baby. And I still went through the monthly rollercoaster. Apparently I never learn. Or in saying that am I admitting I don't have faith that God could still give us a surprise (natural) baby? Its an internal dilemma I have struggled with since our IF diagnosis.

On a side note, I could be joining the January IVF club with you. I was supposed to start my stims last weekend, but they found a cyst on my ovary. Augh! So now everything is postponed until a follow-up ultrasound can confirm that the cyst is gone or seriously reduced.

Ritkiss said...

I wish you the best in your desire for more children. It is hard to feel incomplete with your family. I don't even keep track of CD1 right now, it is just too much, but hopefully we can get ready for a IVF/FET sometime in the next year.

a field of dreams said...

I look at my son too and know that I am blessed having TTC for 6 years and several fertility treatments. My boy came to me naturally eventually. Your post has only reminded me of what's to come when I decide on trying for another. The great thing is that when i do, there will be a storm of support out there who will be by my side.

Erin said...

I just started reading your blog...but this post really hit home for me. I am suffering from secondary infertility but I have 2 little boys. I have had 2 ectopic that ruptured and I lost my left tube. It is very hard to keep peeing on those sticks to no avail...and to only see that one line appear after all this time. We have been TTC #3 for 2 years now....with lots of money down the toilet because of tests.

I hope your second IVF is successful!! Best wishes to you!!

ADSchill said...

First of glad I found your blog.
I love this blog entry and I SO agree with you. It's so hard to take a break when you are in the habit of "the infertility cycle". It's sad that even though all of this is heart-wrenching, we still race for the next month.

I also am obessed with SYTYCD and that addiction dance. I loved Kayla.

Come visit me @:

Female Fertility said...

You make a great point. Got some great information here. I think that if more people thought about it that way, theyd have a better time understanding the issue. Your view is definitely something Id like to see more of. Thanks for this blog. Its fantastic and so is what youve got to say.
Female Fertility

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