Friday, April 16, 2010

Overcoming the past.

Today was my appointment with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist). It went well, but I was amazed at how many emotions came flooding back. Fear, anxiety, desperation, disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, guilt, you name it, it was all there.

As I walked into the office, I could feel  my chest starting to tighten up. All the sudden, I could actually feel that plethora of emotions taking over my body. My heart started to race, and I am pretty sure I broke into a sweat while signing my name on the clip board. I sat down and looked around the waiting room, trying to imagine the journey that had brought all of the other women into that office. Moments later I became very self conscious knowing that they were probably trying to imagine my journey as well. My thoughts raced.

Can they read my mind? Do they know I have a baby already? Are they judging me for being greedy and wanting more kids? Wait, what am I even doing here? Do I really want more kids right now? I could be O.K.with just London for the rest of my life, right? I could put him in dresses with bows in his hair. He doesn't need a sibling. I don't need to be here. I should just leave. Yeah, I'm leaving, I can't do this all over again.

"Aly Lastname, please follow me to the lab"

Crap, I guess I'm staying.

Once I was called into the back, I calmed down a bit. I was back in my element. It's sad  that infertility treatments have become "my element", but hey, at least I'm good at something. I laughed in my head as she talked me through every step of the process. I mean, didn't she know who she was talking to?  How could she not? Ummm, I'm Aly, I beat infertility. I'm kind of a big deal. I told her all about how to find my veins, and which arm bleeds the best, you know, the normal stuff. I felt at home. I wasn't scared anymore, in fact it was actually comfortable.

The nerves came and went several times during my appointment. During the ultrasound, I was petrified that she was going to look at me and say " O-M-G, you have no ovaries". I have no idea where I thought my ovaries had gone. It's not like I thought London grabbed and took them with him on his way out of the womb. It was just that not having ovaries was the absolute worst case scenario that I could think of. I wanted to be prepared for anything they could throw at me. Luckily the ultrasound showed two beautiful ovaries. I had several follicles and no cysts. Everything was perfect.

Just as quickly and emotional as the appointment started it ended. I had a mini panic attack as I walked out of the office.  It reminded me all to much about that day almost exactly 2 years before when the Dr blind sided me with his IVF recommendation. As I got into the car, everything clicked. Two years earlier, I got in the car, called Mike, and then entered into a 12 hour long cry fest. That didn't happen this time. This time was different. During my entire appointment I had been so lost in the emotions and fears that I experienced last time that I couldn't even see how different things really are now. I was blinded by the past, but this isn't the past.

This time, I got into the car picked up my phone to call Mike and was greeted by the most adorable picture of a certain red haired and green eyed little boy. That is why it is different, HE is why it is different. I'm not in the same place in life that I was last time. The desperation and guilt that I felt two years ago isn't there now. The embarrassment, gone. The frustration and anxiety aren't there either (yet). I am sure those emotions may creep back in at some point, and I will deal it all then. But today, this month, this cycle, I'm not going to allow the past to dictate my emotions. I'm going to spend time with my husband, surround myself with family and friends, and kiss that little boy of mine every chance I get.  Who knows, he might just be a big brother by this time next month. Only time will tell.

I will be doing daily injections of Gonal-F for 7-10 days this cycle, starting today. The only other time I have used Gonal-F is when we did our IVF cycle with London. Maybe with a little luck we will have the same good outcome.

Let the good times roll!!!


Erin said...

I think that it is awesome that you are blogging about your second IF journey! I know you are touching a lot of people out there who are going through similiar struggles.

Also it is different, before you couldn't be sure you would ever have a baby, and now you have your little miracle.

And also, Can you believe you are doing it again..all ready! I feel like you were just about to start your IVF cycle!

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