Sunday, August 15, 2010

50 Things A Woman Should Never Do

So I totally stole this idea. But I loved it that much!!

A Yummy Mummy on a Pink Park Bench recently posted a link to Joe Carter at   First Thoughts  list of   50 Things a Woman Should Never Do . So I decided to let my readers know how I stack up.  Am I really a WOMAN??? Green means YES... Red means NO!

1. Buy underwear at a thrift store. Nope, NEVER! I've bought alot of other things at a thrift store though, but I draw the line at underwear though.
2. Tell another woman, “You don’t look  that  fat." Are you kidding me? People actually say this?? Remind me to physically hurt you later if you have ever uttered these words. Mkay, thanks.
3. Stab another woman in the chest with a salad fork for saying, “You don’t look  that  fat.” I have not actually done it, however I am pretty sure I would if given the opportunity. 
4. Believe a man who is not making eye contact but says, “Go ahead, I’m listening.” Failure! Yes, I have done this, actually strike that, I do this on a daily basis. My husband NEVER listens, yet always claims that he is. 
5. Get a “tramp stamp” on your lower back. Guilty as charged, you can read all about my super original-trend setting tattoo here. Be prepared though it will blow your mind with its uniqueness. Don't say I didn't warn you.
6. Get a tattoo anywhere. See above!
7. Get a mullet. *Gasp* BIG NEGATIVE!!! I'm thinking of opening a stand at the local flea market just for these people. "Free mirrors" to anyone sporting one of these (Trust me if you have a mullet you probably need a mirror). I am pretty sure it would be the most popular booth there. 
8. Date one of your girlfriend’s exes. OMG! NO WAY!!!
9. Inject a neurotoxin into your face. I can't afford Botox. I wouldn't dare!
10. Expect your relationships to be anything like a romantic comedy. What? You mean my life is not going to be anything like Notting Hill? So making out with the Hugh Grant look alike, local book store owner yesterday was pointless? UGH!!! 
11. Take advice from Oprah’s latest guru. If she would get one who could tell me how to have a baby without IVF then I might listen, but for the last 29.5 years of my life...the answer is NO!
12. Be rude to a server. I am way to picky of an eater to ever be rude. I have already asked for 50, ooo things on the side. Just because I am pretty sure s/he spit in one of them. It is all about minimizing your spit intake people. Y'all just don't get it.
13. Let anyone mentally, physically, or verbally abuse you or your children. NEVER!! I would physically abuse someone before I allowed this to happen. ESPECIALLY to London. I'm hoping one of you out there would bail me out of jail :)
14. Apply eye makeup while driving and/or stopped in traffic. Oh-so-GUILTY!! Before London, I did it driving, after London I always do it at a red light. Who has time to do make up at home anyways?
15. Ask your man, “Do you think she looks prettier than me?” (He doesn’t. He really, really doesn’t.) NEVER...I am way to afraid of the answer. I like to just assume that "I am the fairest of them all!"
16. Eat garlic, spinach, or corn on the cob on a first date. I can't remember exactly, but I am sure I am guilty of this, as those 3 things make up about 50% of my weekly diet. 
17. Wear makeup to bed. All the time!! Well...any time I get drunk anyways!
18. Attend a wedding looking better than the bride. Probably not, I usually never have time to get dressed so I am usually doing my make up in the car (hence # 14)
19. Apologize for being modest or chaste. I have ZERO modesty. I'm not sure you can after IF and delivering a baby.
20. Think anyone wants to see pictures of your cat(s).  I don't like cats. **Ducks and runs to keep from getting hit with flying objects**
21. Let a girlfriend who has been drinking go anywhere with a man she just met. I have some very persuasive friends.
22. Take off your clothes anyplace someone has a camera or video recording device. Who me?!?!
23. Make excuses for your kid’s obnoxious behavior. I make no excuses only apologies.
24. Buy something you don’t need just because it’s on sale. ALL THE TIME!!
25. Run down a girlfriend behind her back. . Then she really isn't a girlfriends then is she
26. Keep a stuffed animal on your bed after the age of sixteen. I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years, sometimes a girl gets lonely.
27. Get on the back of a motorcycle with a man who is younger than your dad. He was family though, does that still count
28. Ignore signs of cancer in the hopes that it will just go away. Thank God No!!
29. Fall in love with a “bad boy.” Sure hope Mike doesn't read this one because I am pretty sure that he would be hurt that I don't consider him a bad boy. 
30. Refuse to tell a man what you really want for your birthday and then be disappointed by the gift you receive. I am very quick to say exactly what I want. 
31. Provide the sole financial support for a man who is not disabled or completing his education. Nope but Mike supported ME!! :)
32. Go more than six months without telling your dad how you feel about him.
33. Agree to be on a reality show with the words, “Real Housewives”, “Bachelor,” or “Bret Michaels” in the title. No but I probably would if I was asked.
34. Dig your key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carve your name into his leather seat, take a Louisville slugger to both head lights, and slash a hole in all four tires. I have definitely wanted to a few times though. 
35. Expect to find a man in the twenty first century like Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. I was never really fond of Mr Darcy.
36. Tell your man, “You really didn’t have to.” (He did. He really, really did.) Oh, he DEFINITELY had to
37. Expect a man to understand why you like diamonds.
38. Limit your Bible reading to the verses in your self-help oriented devotional.
39. Serve in combat (unless your name is Joan of Arc). No, but I definitely don't think this should be a don't. God bless the women who have chosen to serve in combat. Those women are brave enough to do what I am not. 
40. Flirt irresponsibly. Come on, who hasn't been young once. I think EVERONE should do this at some point while they are young and care free.
41. Give unsolicited advice about breastfeeding. I am very PRO BFing but I know that it is a choice for everyone. So I choose to kep my mouth shut
42. Pierce any body part that is lower than your neck. My belly button circa 1999
43. Write “Hey Cutie. How’ve you Been? I miss you!” on your now-married, former boyfriend’s Facebook wall. OMG!!!
44. Use profanity in any situation where your toe is not stubbed. I unfortunately have quite the potty mouth sometimes.
45. Remain desperately at home inventing lovers who call to say, “Come dance with me,” and murmur vague obscenities after the age of seventeen. I don't have time for this...I'm already on the dance floor.
46. Be surprised when a man is unable to read you mind. I swear I am shocked EVERY-SINGLE-TIME! You think I would learn after being together for 10 years and married for 5.
47. Assume that a stay-at-home mom doesn’t “work.” Those are FIGHTING words in my house.
48. Assume that a work-outside-the-home mom is a bad parent. I definitely don't think this. Just like BFing it is a choice for every woman. 
49. Have a MySpace page after the age of 20. I still have one but I have not used it in several years. 
50. Take advice from a serpent about what produce to eat. Damn you EVE!!!  **shakes fists violently** Child birth could have been a breeze but nnnnooooooo, you had to eat the apple didn't you? Thanks, you are so not getting a Christmas card from me this year!

I've done 20 out of 50 things that a woman should never do. Not to shabby!  How about you? What's your score?


Eastlyn and co. said...

Hi, Aly. I peeped your link from Infertile Myrtle's blog and stopped by for a visit. Congrats on London Michael and I'm sending positive vibes your way for baby #2. -EW

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